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The interesting thing about language is that it reveals a lot about the speaker. As you may know, some people move 'away from' pain whilst others 'move towards' pleasure. This may sound like the same thing to you, but I can assure you that it is not. As the unconscious mind cannot tell the difference between a positive and a negative, moving away from pain can be translated as moving ‘towards pain’. This was a revelation for me and something I spent many hours considering. You may wish to bookmark this page and come back to it.

To use the example of punctuality: A ‘towards’ person, would move towards that great feeling of being on time, perhaps even with the excitement of the meeting in question, in mind. They would say things like 'I must be on time'. Whereas, an ‘away from’ person would worry about being late and move away from being late, whilst thinking about all the things that would happen if they were late and how their whole day would be messed up. They may spend moments or hours contemplating this. Such a person would say things like 'I must not be late'. As you now know, they are not actually moving away from being late, as that is impossible. Due to the fact that the unconscious mind cannot process negatives, they are in fact preparing to fail just by thinking about being late!

So, it is much better to think about all the great things that can be achieved by arriving on time. Perhaps you can sit down somewhere and listen to music on your ipod or phone or get a tea or coffee in a café. I shall leave it up to you to think of some compelling reasons to be on time. Remember to put them in the positive.

Exercise:

Make a list of all the things you move ‘away from’.

Draw a line through the words ‘away from’ and write 'towards' because there is no such thing as moving away from anything. It is an impossible function of the brain.

Make a new list of all the new thought processes you have to ‘move towards’. Underneath each one, write a detailed list of all the wonderful things you will have to look forward to now.

Public Speaking and Confidence Boosting Workshop - 26th and 27th May 2012 

 

I often work with clients who struggle with work relationships. Often they feel bullied or insecure. In fact, I hear this from 75% of my coaching clients.

My answer is always the same; you cannot change others, you can only change yourself. When I first started studying Neuro Linguistic Programming, this was incredibly difficult for me to take in. How could I change the way others behaved towards me simply by changing myself? The answer lies in the energy that you send out. Have you ever walked into a room and instantly known that something was wrong?

Well, maybe someone you have difficulty with sensed that from you and took it personally, which in turn changed their behaviour towards you, which in turn changed your behaviour towards them. You can see how this can be a downward spiral.

One of the best things you can do is to change the way you feel about this other person. When you do this, your energy becomes lighter and they respond accordingly.

How to do this?

I use a couple of methodologies. My favourite is a clever sequence of questions. They vary according to the situation, but here are some suggestions:

1. Are you acting out of love or fear?
   (All positive emotions can be construed as love and all negative as fear.)
2. Is the other person involved acting out of love or fear?
3. See the situation through their eyes. How would you feel?
4. Are you really right?
   (We have an inherent desire to be right, which often causes us to sabotage our happiness.)
5. What positives can you see here?
   (There is always something. You will find it if you look carefully enough - the Dalai Lama says that Chairman Mao was his greatest teacher as he taught him to be more humble. We learn so much from those who challenge us.)
6. Are you taking things personally?
   (Another's behaviour is never about you; even if they say it is. Whatever has happened between you will be the 'straw that broke the camel's back'. Perhaps they have experienced something similar before and this incident brings up old feelings.

In addition to this style of questioning, I find journalling is a great help. When we talk about a problem, we do just that 'talk about the problem'. When writing our brains are much more solution focused.

Have a go: sit down and just write until you feel better.

Yesterday I was teaching a 6 year old child to improve his voice and confidence. I don’t usually work with children this young, but he is home schooled and incredibly intelligent.

I taught him a couple of little techniques and gave him an impromptu topic to speak about. So, he had no preparation time, just the structure for a good presentation. I obviously had to keep it really simple, as he is only 6 years old. The process I gave him worked really well, so I thought I would share it with you.

Ask a ‘special question’: This is just a rhetorical question/ normal question/ raise your hand if…

He seemed to love the ‘raise your hand if’ option and beamed each time he asked the question, raising his own hand, as I had (Children like fun things and SO do adults)

“ Raise your hand if you like Spiderman” (one example)

A story about you and the topic. The more detail you can add in, the better.

A question about the audience and the topic- in the future.

“I wonder whether you will still like Superman in the future?”

As I said, this is so simple that even a 6 year old can do it. You can obviously add in more interaction and rhetorical questions or even quotes. Questions show a high regard for your audience and help them to relate the topic to themselves. This is my reasoning for placing one at the beginning and one at the end. This draws the audience in and then leaves them with something to reflect on.

For more detailed methods about public speaking, click on: Previous blogs

Have you ever heard the saying, 'you are the sum of your experiences'? Well, let's add to that 'and your thoughts'. Since every emotion begins with a thought, the best way to change how you feel is to change what you think. Now, you have to be very committed to change because it will take a certain amount of practice. Your mind is no different to your physical body, it requires training.

Start by looking for the positives in every situation. 'I don't have any plans this weekend' could become 'great; i can stay in and watch a good film' or, in my case, 'I can get on with writing my book' (yes, I'm writing a book).

I am of the mentality that every cloud has a silver lining...

In my opinion, you really are what you think!

So, if you really don't like how you feel, shift your focus and change your thoughts. As you become more positive, you will see that your experiences will start to improve too.

You do not have to look far to find war and negativity, do you? There is always something atrocious being reported on the news - if you care to watch it. Indeed, most of us spend the majority of our days warring with ourselves!

Until we, as individuals, can find peace of mind, how can we expect society as a whole to live in harmony?

The most amazing thing I've found about enthusiasm is that it is infectious! By simply being more positive, you will find that people enjoy being around you and will come to you for advice because you won't be putting energy into their problems, you'll be looking for solutions. If you were to inspire just 5 people and they were to do the same (and so on), you could create quite an impact, couldn't you?

The place to start is your thoughts. Make an agreement today to think only positive thoughts. All you need do is catch yourself when you find yourself being negative and smile - this in itself will take the edge off any negative dialogue. Another great place to start is by repeating a mantra, such as 'I am powerful beyond all belief'. The more often you repeat your mantra, the better you will feel. The best time is just before bed; in order to make your dreams as sweet as possible and first thing in the morning; so that you start your day in the right mood.

I use this one because most people only use a fraction of their ability - this is often because they lack self belief. So, you see, It is important to remind yourself how incredible you are, isn't it?

One of my greatest passions is authentic communication. You may wonder what I mean by this... One only has to listen to an automated message to understand. The one thing that can't be replaced by a machine, is the emotional connection one feels when someone is speaking from the heart.

I often meet people who mistakenly believe that raising their voice gives them an appearance of confidence. In fact, speaking overly loudly can be as detrimental as speaking in a timid manner. An overly loud voice can be jarring on the ear and generally unsettling. Conversely, a soft, calm voice reassures and makes people feel comforted.

Have you ever noticed how close you feel to someone when consoling them after a bereavement or honestly giving your opinion during a heart to heart discussion? During these occasions, the voice actually resonates in the chest around the heart, so you are quite literally speaking from the heart. A great example of this style of speaking is the conscious, evolutionary author, Nicolya Christi.

It is for this reason, that I ask my public speaking students to choose their topics wisely. If you really want to make an impact, speak only about that which you are passionate.