When I was at college studying Sociology, I came across a theory known as 'the self fulfilling prophecy'. It was used in conjunction with case studies about children who were labelled as 'smart' or academically 'weak'. One such study was performed whereby a new teacher was told that a certain group of children were academic 'achievers' when in fact they were in an 'average' ability stream. These children fulfilled this label by getting higher results.
Recently, I found myself labelling my sister, as having an excellent memory. My mum often calls her 'an elephant' (apparently elephants have good memories). On this occasion, she miraculously remembered someone's name when she had met the person for all of 10 minutes 3 years previously! The same day I copied her in on an email, her response was 'they don't call you a communications expert for nothing'!
This comment reminded me about the 'self fulfilling prophecy'. Only, on this occasion, I had created the label. I remember feeling tentative about introducing myself at networking events a few years ago - was I really an expert in my field? A few years down the line and I feel much more congruent when marketing myself. You see, labels can become like mantras. If you repeat something enough times, with enough certainty, it becomes your reality.
My challenge to you, is to reassess the way you talk about yourself. This doesn't have to mean giving yourself a label or a title, it can be as simple as speaking more positively about yourself. Some of you may remember my blog about the time I so cleverly reminded myself to 'forget my trainers' :) this shows us what happens when we are not careful with our language.
Positive Voice Blog
Do Your Nerves Define You?
Posted on Wednesday, February 01, 2012 by Positivevoice
There is a wonderful belief within the thinking of NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) that we are not our behaviour.
As I have mentioned in previous blog posts, it took me a long time to fully understand this.
Interestingly, we define people all the time: she is clever, he is shy, she is chatty... These are all just strategies. I shall clarify what I mean by this, at various intervals throughout our lives we develop 'coping strategies'. At school, some people become the 'class clown' or 'bully', others become a 'teacher's pet'. These strategies help them to function in some way. Often, teachers, family and peers confirm these strategies by labelling people in this way.
A strategy can be formed in response to a trauma. One such as fear or anxiety is your body's way of warning you that you're going to get hurt... Interestingly, strategies tend to stick- especially when we keep reconfirming them. It is unlikely that a strategy formed whilst we are at primary school would still be relevant once you enter the working world.
You may be wondering what can be done to create new strategies?
Intention is key here. A great mantra is 'confidence can be learned' or 'With every day that passes, I am becoming more and more confident in every way.' A change in the way that you speak to yourself would be incredibly beneficial.
There are lots of other strategies on my website. It doesn't matter which one you use, the important thing is that you use one that works for you.
Positive Language
Posted on Wednesday, January 25, 2012 by Positivevoice
Towards the end of last year I was reminded of the importance of language.
I got up early one Saturday morning for a session with my personal trainer. I had packed my bag the night before and left my trainers by the front door.Before I went to bed on Friday night, I said 'I mustn't forget my trainers'. When I woke up in the morning, I said to myself 'I mustn't forget my trainers' and when I went into the kitchen, I found my housemate's girlfriend making a cup of tea, and said... 'I mustn't forget my trainers' not once, but at least 3 times. Surprise, surprise, I then left the house without my trainers and had to do my workout in just socks!
Now, this may just sound like careless behaviour to you, but there is a much more interesting explanation. The unconscious mind - the part of your brain that does all the things you don't have to consciously think about, such as pumping your heart and regenerating your cells, cannot tell the difference between a positive and a negative. 'Do not forget' therefore becomes 'Do forget'!
So, if I say 'Do not think of a purple pig', It becomes impossible to get the purple pig out of your mind.
The reason I am sharing this with you is because thoughts become things. I think it is time that we had more healthy life-enriching thoughts, don't you?Moving from Problem to Solution
Posted on Wednesday, January 18, 2012 by Positivevoice
In society there are two extremes - those who focus on problems and those who focus on solutions.
The ones who focus on problems are usually coming from a position of lack. They are often fairly negative and greatly affected by their environment and experiences. They like to blame other people.Paradoxically, the ones who focus on solutions often see abundance. They are positive and rise above any negative experiences. They see the challenging people around them as their teachers.
You may be surprised to hear that both types of people are merely operating strategies. A strategy is simply a methodology, a technique that one implements to get through an experience. Your strategies do not define you - the seven dwarfs were so unfortunate when they were defined by their behaviour because those labels merely served to reinforce their strategies. I do sometimes wonder whether Sleepy would still be sleepy if you changed his name. What do you think?You can decide to change your behaviour today. Start by seeing the solutions to all your challenges. They are out there. All you need to do is look.
What is Your Story?
Posted on Wednesday, January 11, 2012 by Positivevoice
What would you say if I told you that you were constantly re-affirming your strengths, weaknesses, likes and dislikes? In affect, you are constantly creating (and if you are pro-active; re-creating) yourself.
When someone asks you whether you are a good dancer, what do say?
When someone asks you whether you are good with your finances, what do you say?
When someone asks you whether you are a confident speaker, what do you say?
Look at your answers and ask yourself whether they are a reflection of your reality?
You see, you have within yourself two parts: the 'Thinker' and the 'Prover': what the Thinker thinks, the Prover proves.
If you say to yourself often enough that 'you can do something', this will become your reality. Equally, if someone else tells you that you are not good at something, if you believe them, then this can also become your reality. Don Miguel Ruiz, author of The Four Agreements, speaks about how parents and teachers often cast 'black magic' on children by telling them what they can and can not do, by encouraging or discouraging them.
I often encounter people who believe that they cannot dance, or sing, or speak in public. If you are one of these people, I challenge you by suggesting that the only thing stopping you from fulfilling your potential is your beliefs about your ability. If you change your beliefs, then and only then, will you be able to change your reality.
You are not just the sum of your experiences, as I often say; you are the sum of your thoughts, feelings and words about these experiences.
So, in order to start changing your reality, start changing your thoughts, feelings and words!
You may well ask me how you can do this. My answer:
STOP
REJECT
RE PHRASE, RE THINK, RE FEEL!
This may not come easily, but do you think it was easy for Sir Edmund Hilary to climb Mount Everest when it had never been done before? Not easy perhaps, but definitely worth it!
When someone asks you whether you are a good dancer, what do say?
When someone asks you whether you are good with your finances, what do you say?
When someone asks you whether you are a confident speaker, what do you say?
Look at your answers and ask yourself whether they are a reflection of your reality?
You see, you have within yourself two parts: the 'Thinker' and the 'Prover': what the Thinker thinks, the Prover proves.
If you say to yourself often enough that 'you can do something', this will become your reality. Equally, if someone else tells you that you are not good at something, if you believe them, then this can also become your reality. Don Miguel Ruiz, author of The Four Agreements, speaks about how parents and teachers often cast 'black magic' on children by telling them what they can and can not do, by encouraging or discouraging them.
I often encounter people who believe that they cannot dance, or sing, or speak in public. If you are one of these people, I challenge you by suggesting that the only thing stopping you from fulfilling your potential is your beliefs about your ability. If you change your beliefs, then and only then, will you be able to change your reality.
You are not just the sum of your experiences, as I often say; you are the sum of your thoughts, feelings and words about these experiences.
So, in order to start changing your reality, start changing your thoughts, feelings and words!
You may well ask me how you can do this. My answer:
STOP
REJECT
RE PHRASE, RE THINK, RE FEEL!
This may not come easily, but do you think it was easy for Sir Edmund Hilary to climb Mount Everest when it had never been done before? Not easy perhaps, but definitely worth it!
Thoughts Getting the Better of You?
Posted on Wednesday, December 21, 2011 by Positivevoice
Do you prepare yourself to succeed... Or to fail?
Some of my clients find their minds go off on autopilot, imagining their greatest fears becoming a reality.
I wonder whether you have ever considered the repercussions of such a strategy?
Do you know that it is possible to upgrade your strategies for ones that are more conducive to bringing you happiness?
When a dog is being trained, it's master will keep pulling on the lead until eventually the dog walks obediently by their side. Your mind can be treated in a very similar way. Every time you find your head filled with thoughts that are less than positive, check yourself. Smile, laugh or take a deep breath... and then create a more uplifting thought.
I often question myself: 'Is this thought helping me?' 'What can I be thankful for right now?'
I find gratitude to be one of the most powerful strategies. Another is humour. I laugh at myself ALL the time. After all it is not about not feeling negative emotions, it is about letting go of them as quickly as possible!
Have a lovely Christmas. Touch as many people as possible with your humour and gratitude. Remember that you can't possibly give something to someone else without feeling it yourself (a smile, a hug, a thank you or a bless you!)
Some of my clients find their minds go off on autopilot, imagining their greatest fears becoming a reality.
I wonder whether you have ever considered the repercussions of such a strategy?
Do you know that it is possible to upgrade your strategies for ones that are more conducive to bringing you happiness?
When a dog is being trained, it's master will keep pulling on the lead until eventually the dog walks obediently by their side. Your mind can be treated in a very similar way. Every time you find your head filled with thoughts that are less than positive, check yourself. Smile, laugh or take a deep breath... and then create a more uplifting thought.
I often question myself: 'Is this thought helping me?' 'What can I be thankful for right now?'
I find gratitude to be one of the most powerful strategies. Another is humour. I laugh at myself ALL the time. After all it is not about not feeling negative emotions, it is about letting go of them as quickly as possible!
Have a lovely Christmas. Touch as many people as possible with your humour and gratitude. Remember that you can't possibly give something to someone else without feeling it yourself (a smile, a hug, a thank you or a bless you!)
How to Win Friends and Influence People
Posted on Wednesday, December 14, 2011 by Positivevoice
When I read advice about communication skills which dates back to the time of Aristotle (that's 2300 years ago), I am shocked by how little some of these theories are put into practice today.
We're taught to read, write and spell at school, but very little attention is paid to the art of spoken communication. I often find myself asking how this can be?
Aristotle put a big emphasis on pathos (empathy) and ethos (sincerity). Let's look at these two qualities in more depth.
In my opinion, one of the best ways to show empathy is through listening and generally showing an interest in others. You see, everyone has an inherent need to be valued and by listening to someone, you indicate that what they have to say is important to you. Unfortunately, most people prefer talking to listening and very little emphasis is put on the art of listening. I wonder how many people plan pauses and rhetorical questions in advance of their business meetings? Perhaps a few, but not as many as those who spend hours dreaming up intelligent things to say.
People who are sincere really mean what they say. You can see the alignment between their words, their physiology and their emotions. You can just tell that they really care and truly believe in what they're saying.
When empathy is combined with sincerity, a great deal of rapport is created. That sense of being on the same wavelength. The opposite is also true; when people show little or no interest in you, you can only assume that you are of little importance to them. If you take a moment to think about who your best friends are and how they treat you, I bet that the ones you most enjoy spending time with are those who give you the gift of their attention; the ones who are genuinely interested in you.
Herein lies the secret to making friends and influencing people, which was written about by Dale Carnegie in the 1930s!
Similarly, Aristotle gave the equation Empathy + Sincerity = Persuasion. For him persuasion meant a shift in attitude. You can feel this shift when you call up a company to complain about something and they are so courteous and thorough that you end up liking the company even more- unfortunately, companies like these are few and far between. Abel and Cole and Newnet are the two I've experienced best customer service from in recent months. On these occasions, it appears as if their only concern is you and there's nothing like feeling valued, is there?
Take Confidence in your Stride
Posted on Wednesday, December 07, 2011 by Positivevoice
One of the best ways to become a confident communicator is to shift your focus away from yourself and how you feel and on to other people. I often say a little prayer before working with a client and ask that I may help them as much as possible; this shifts my focus away from myself and on to my client almost immediately. In this way, I am able to give them my all, and when I do this my ego drops away; I become far removed from myself and my feelings and all that is left is my strong intention to help another. It is only in this way that I can coach with absolute confidence.
If you are one of those people who often walks around lost in your own negative thoughts, a great way to practice externalising your focus would be to really look at the world around you by taking in the sights, smells and sounds of your environment. In doing this, you will break the repetitive pattern of thoughts that are, in part, causing your uncertainty. Another way would be to ask questions in social situations and then to really listen to the responses, whilst taking in everything about the person who is speaking; the tone and timbre of their voice, the expression on their face and the content of their speech.
Once you have become proficient at externalising your focus, I challenge you to confront any fears you have about communicating with others. You can do this by taking yourself out of your usual comfort zone, whilst remaining emotionally detached. Notice your emotions as they surface; view them objectively without labelling them as good or bad, say thank you to them and smile because they are the signal that you are about to grow.
Emotions are just your body's way of sending you signals; without these signals, how would you know when to change direction? And if you were to stand still all your life, you would stagnate. Nothing would challenge you and without challenges you wouldn't have the opportunity to grow. So, you see, it is through this detached form of self awareness that you can follow the signs and, in so doing, continue to grow and develop, which is just so important. As William. S Burroughs so famously said 'When you stop growing, you start dying'. So, face your fears. Do it with faith and emotional detachment and you will soon see your confidence levels beginning to rise.
What is Confidence?
Posted on Wednesday, November 30, 2011 by Positivevoice
People often find it hard to describe what confidence is; some confuse it with arrogance and others with charisma. When people say 'she's confident', what they usually mean is that 'She expresses a degree of certainty in social situations'. You see, the antonym of confidence is 'uncertainty'. When you look at it in this way, we all have something to be certain about, whether it is as simple as being sure that your name is 'X' or the fact that you brushed your teeth this morning!
So, how can you cultivate a deeper sense of certainty in your life? I find that it is often as simple as changing the way I look at things. There will always be areas of your life where you are less than certain, but there will be others where you feel totally sure of yourself and at ease, and these are the ones that you need to focus on. Another option is to do something about those areas in which you feel uncertain. For every challenge you experience, you are both the problem AND the solution. For instance, I wasn't filled with confidence about cardio training, so I booked a session with a personal trainer and now I have much more confidence when I walk into the gym.
Some people are concerned about the way they communicate, so they book a session with me in order to improve their communication skills. There is nothing like a bit of training to increase the amount of certainty in your life. Isn't it funny that we're taught to read and write at school, yet very few of us are provided with guidance on how best to communicate our ideas, to negotiate or to appease conflict? How different the world would be if this integral facet of life was given more of an emphasis by educational establishments.
So, how can you cultivate a deeper sense of certainty in your life? I find that it is often as simple as changing the way I look at things. There will always be areas of your life where you are less than certain, but there will be others where you feel totally sure of yourself and at ease, and these are the ones that you need to focus on. Another option is to do something about those areas in which you feel uncertain. For every challenge you experience, you are both the problem AND the solution. For instance, I wasn't filled with confidence about cardio training, so I booked a session with a personal trainer and now I have much more confidence when I walk into the gym.
Some people are concerned about the way they communicate, so they book a session with me in order to improve their communication skills. There is nothing like a bit of training to increase the amount of certainty in your life. Isn't it funny that we're taught to read and write at school, yet very few of us are provided with guidance on how best to communicate our ideas, to negotiate or to appease conflict? How different the world would be if this integral facet of life was given more of an emphasis by educational establishments.
Keep Motivated
Posted on Wednesday, November 23, 2011 by Positivevoice
People often worry about how to offer constructive criticism. Interestingly, I rarely hear people worrying about not giving enough praise. You may be surprised to hear that the two come hand in hand!
If you focus on keeping your staff and colleagues motivated, you will never need to worry about them becoming de- motivated.
The concept is simple, and comes back to this idea of us all having an emotional bank account. If your deposits into someone's account are low, there will be nothing left to take out when you offer constructive feedback. This will result in your poor colleague going into deficit and we all know what happens then: low self esteem, slumps in confidence and de- motivation.
So, keep your team pumped up with plenty of praise!
Beware, though; false, empty praise won't go very far. Your praise MUST be genuine!
If you focus on keeping your staff and colleagues motivated, you will never need to worry about them becoming de- motivated.
The concept is simple, and comes back to this idea of us all having an emotional bank account. If your deposits into someone's account are low, there will be nothing left to take out when you offer constructive feedback. This will result in your poor colleague going into deficit and we all know what happens then: low self esteem, slumps in confidence and de- motivation.
So, keep your team pumped up with plenty of praise!
Beware, though; false, empty praise won't go very far. Your praise MUST be genuine!
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