The interesting thing about language is that it reveals a lot about the speaker. As you may know, some people move 'away from' pain whilst others 'move towards' pleasure. This may sound like the same thing to you, but I can assure you that it is not. As the unconscious mind cannot tell the difference between a positive and a negative, moving away from pain can be translated as moving ‘towards pain’. This was a revelation for me and something I spent many hours considering. You may wish to bookmark this page and come back to it.

To use the example of punctuality: A ‘towards’ person, would move towards that great feeling of being on time, perhaps even with the excitement of the meeting in question, in mind. They would say things like 'I must be on time'. Whereas, an ‘away from’ person would worry about being late and move away from being late, whilst thinking about all the things that would happen if they were late and how their whole day would be messed up. They may spend moments or hours contemplating this. Such a person would say things like 'I must not be late'. As you now know, they are not actually moving away from being late, as that is impossible. Due to the fact that the unconscious mind cannot process negatives, they are in fact preparing to fail just by thinking about being late!

So, it is much better to think about all the great things that can be achieved by arriving on time. Perhaps you can sit down somewhere and listen to music on your ipod or phone or get a tea or coffee in a café. I shall leave it up to you to think of some compelling reasons to be on time. Remember to put them in the positive.

Exercise:

Make a list of all the things you move ‘away from’.

Draw a line through the words ‘away from’ and write 'towards' because there is no such thing as moving away from anything. It is an impossible function of the brain.

Make a new list of all the new thought processes you have to ‘move towards’. Underneath each one, write a detailed list of all the wonderful things you will have to look forward to now.

Public Speaking and Confidence Boosting Workshop - 26th and 27th May 2012 

 

I often work with clients who struggle with work relationships. Often they feel bullied or insecure. In fact, I hear this from 75% of my coaching clients.

My answer is always the same; you cannot change others, you can only change yourself. When I first started studying Neuro Linguistic Programming, this was incredibly difficult for me to take in. How could I change the way others behaved towards me simply by changing myself? The answer lies in the energy that you send out. Have you ever walked into a room and instantly known that something was wrong?

Well, maybe someone you have difficulty with sensed that from you and took it personally, which in turn changed their behaviour towards you, which in turn changed your behaviour towards them. You can see how this can be a downward spiral.

One of the best things you can do is to change the way you feel about this other person. When you do this, your energy becomes lighter and they respond accordingly.

How to do this?

I use a couple of methodologies. My favourite is a clever sequence of questions. They vary according to the situation, but here are some suggestions:

1. Are you acting out of love or fear?
   (All positive emotions can be construed as love and all negative as fear.)
2. Is the other person involved acting out of love or fear?
3. See the situation through their eyes. How would you feel?
4. Are you really right?
   (We have an inherent desire to be right, which often causes us to sabotage our happiness.)
5. What positives can you see here?
   (There is always something. You will find it if you look carefully enough - the Dalai Lama says that Chairman Mao was his greatest teacher as he taught him to be more humble. We learn so much from those who challenge us.)
6. Are you taking things personally?
   (Another's behaviour is never about you; even if they say it is. Whatever has happened between you will be the 'straw that broke the camel's back'. Perhaps they have experienced something similar before and this incident brings up old feelings.

In addition to this style of questioning, I find journalling is a great help. When we talk about a problem, we do just that 'talk about the problem'. When writing our brains are much more solution focused.

Have a go: sit down and just write until you feel better.

Have you ever heard the saying, 'you are the sum of your experiences'? Well, let's add to that 'and your thoughts'. Since every emotion begins with a thought, the best way to change how you feel is to change what you think. Now, you have to be very committed to change because it will take a certain amount of practice. Your mind is no different to your physical body, it requires training.

Start by looking for the positives in every situation. 'I don't have any plans this weekend' could become 'great; i can stay in and watch a good film' or, in my case, 'I can get on with writing my book' (yes, I'm writing a book).

I am of the mentality that every cloud has a silver lining...

In my opinion, you really are what you think!

So, if you really don't like how you feel, shift your focus and change your thoughts. As you become more positive, you will see that your experiences will start to improve too.

One of my greatest passions is authentic communication. You may wonder what I mean by this... One only has to listen to an automated message to understand. The one thing that can't be replaced by a machine, is the emotional connection one feels when someone is speaking from the heart.

I often meet people who mistakenly believe that raising their voice gives them an appearance of confidence. In fact, speaking overly loudly can be as detrimental as speaking in a timid manner. An overly loud voice can be jarring on the ear and generally unsettling. Conversely, a soft, calm voice reassures and makes people feel comforted.

Have you ever noticed how close you feel to someone when consoling them after a bereavement or honestly giving your opinion during a heart to heart discussion? During these occasions, the voice actually resonates in the chest around the heart, so you are quite literally speaking from the heart. A great example of this style of speaking is the conscious, evolutionary author, Nicolya Christi.

It is for this reason, that I ask my public speaking students to choose their topics wisely. If you really want to make an impact, speak only about that which you are passionate.

When I was at college studying Sociology, I came across a theory known as 'the self fulfilling prophecy'. It was used in conjunction with case studies about children who were labelled as 'smart' or academically 'weak'. One such study was performed whereby a new teacher was told that a certain group of children were academic 'achievers' when in fact they were in an 'average' ability stream. These children fulfilled this label by getting higher results.

Recently, I found myself labelling my sister, as having an excellent memory. My mum often calls her 'an elephant' (apparently elephants have good memories). On this occasion, she miraculously remembered someone's name when she had met the person for all of 10 minutes 3 years previously! The same day I copied her in on an email, her response was 'they don't call you a communications expert for nothing'!

This comment reminded me about the 'self fulfilling prophecy'. Only, on this occasion, I had created the label. I remember feeling tentative about introducing myself at networking events a few years ago - was I really an expert in my field? A few years down the line and I feel much more congruent when marketing myself. You see, labels can become like mantras. If you repeat something enough times, with enough certainty, it becomes your reality.

My challenge to you, is to reassess the way you talk about yourself. This doesn't have to mean giving yourself a label or a title, it can be as simple as speaking more positively about yourself. Some of you may remember my blog about the time I so cleverly reminded myself to 'forget my trainers' :) this shows us what happens when we are not careful with our language.

There is a wonderful belief within the thinking of NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) that we are not our behaviour.

As I have mentioned in previous blog posts, it took me a long time to fully understand this.

Interestingly, we define people all the time: she is clever, he is shy, she is chatty... These are all just strategies. I shall clarify what I mean by this, at various intervals throughout our lives we develop 'coping strategies'. At school, some people become the 'class clown' or 'bully', others become a 'teacher's pet'. These strategies help them to function in some way. Often, teachers, family and peers confirm these strategies by labelling people in this way.

A strategy can be formed in response to a trauma. One such as fear or anxiety is your body's way of warning you that you're going to get hurt... Interestingly, strategies tend to stick- especially when we keep reconfirming them. It is unlikely that a strategy formed whilst we are at primary school would still be relevant once you enter the working world.

You may be wondering what can be done to create new strategies?

Intention is key here. A great mantra is 'confidence can be learned' or 'With every day that passes, I am becoming more and more confident in every way.' A change in the way that you speak to yourself would be incredibly beneficial.

There are lots of other strategies on my website. It doesn't matter which one you use, the important thing is that you use one that works for you.

Towards the end of last year I was reminded of the importance of language.

I got up early one Saturday morning for a session with my personal trainer. I had packed my bag the night before and left my trainers by the front door.

Before I went to bed on Friday night, I said 'I mustn't forget my trainers'. When I woke up in the morning, I said to myself 'I mustn't forget my trainers' and when I went into the kitchen, I found my housemate's girlfriend making a cup of tea, and said... 'I mustn't forget my trainers' not once, but at least 3 times. Surprise, surprise, I then left the house without my trainers and had to do my workout in just socks!

Now, this may just sound like careless behaviour to you, but there is a much more interesting explanation. The unconscious mind - the part of your brain that does all the things you don't have to consciously think about, such as pumping your heart and regenerating your cells, cannot tell the difference between a positive and a negative. 'Do not forget' therefore becomes 'Do forget'!

So, if I say 'Do not think of a purple pig', It becomes impossible to get the purple pig out of your mind.

The reason I am sharing this with you is because thoughts become things. I think it is time that we had more healthy life-enriching thoughts, don't you?

In society there are two extremes - those who focus on problems and those who focus on solutions.

The ones who focus on problems are usually coming from a position of lack. They are often fairly negative and greatly affected by their environment and experiences. They like to blame other people.

Paradoxically, the ones who focus on solutions often see abundance. They are positive and rise above any negative experiences. They see the challenging people around them as their teachers.

You may be surprised to hear that both types of people are merely operating strategies. A strategy is simply a methodology, a technique that one implements to get through an experience. Your strategies do not define you - the seven dwarfs were so unfortunate when they were defined by their behaviour because those labels merely served to reinforce their strategies. I do sometimes wonder whether Sleepy would still be sleepy if you changed his name. What do you think?

You can decide to change your behaviour today. Start by seeing the solutions to all your challenges. They are out there. All you need to do is look.

What would you say if I told you that you were constantly re-affirming your strengths, weaknesses, likes and dislikes? In affect, you are constantly creating (and if you are pro-active; re-creating) yourself.

When someone asks you whether you are a good dancer, what do say?

When someone asks you whether you are good with your finances, what do you say?

When someone asks you whether you are a confident speaker, what do you say?

Look at your answers and ask yourself whether they are a reflection of your reality?

You see, you have within yourself two parts: the 'Thinker' and the 'Prover': what the Thinker thinks, the Prover proves.

If you say to yourself often enough that 'you can do something', this will become your reality. Equally, if someone else tells you that you are not good at something, if you believe them, then this can also become your reality. Don Miguel Ruiz, author of The Four Agreements, speaks about how parents and teachers often cast 'black magic' on children by telling them what they can and can not do, by encouraging or discouraging them.

I often encounter people who believe that they cannot dance, or sing, or speak in public. If you are one of these people, I challenge you by suggesting that the only thing stopping you from fulfilling your potential is your beliefs about your ability. If you change your beliefs, then and only then, will you be able to change your reality.

You are not just the sum of your experiences, as I often say; you are the sum of your thoughts, feelings and words about these experiences.

So, in order to start changing your reality, start changing your thoughts, feelings and words!

You may well ask me how you can do this. My answer:

STOP

REJECT

RE PHRASE, RE THINK, RE FEEL!

This may not come easily, but do you think it was easy for Sir Edmund Hilary to climb Mount Everest when it had never been done before? Not easy perhaps, but definitely worth it!